Why Big Friend Groups Often Fail; And Helping Kids Manage Conflict with Friends: Dr. Lisa Damour

Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

Episode #91: Dr. Lisa Damour's latest book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers , is out in paperback. On this episode we revisit the best nuggets of my previous conversation with Dr. Lisa, focusing on teen and tween friend groups and all of the anxiety that goes along with parenting a teen who is dealing with not being in a group. We cover teens not liking their place in a group, wishing they had a group, wishing they had a smaller group, and so on.

We also discuss the reality that every kid will be left out and will likely leave out others, and we touch on what "mental health" actually means. (It doesn't mean feeling good all the time.) Finally, we spend a good deal of time on helping teens manage conflict with friends.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a renowned psychologist and the NYT bestselling author of Untangled, Under Pressure, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, and the co-host of the Ask Lisa Podcast. Find Dr. Lisa on Instagram and Twitter.

Topics We Covered:

• Dr. Lisa with Dax and Monica on Armchair Expert
• Teens will get left out and leave others.
• Friend groups seem overly formal to adults these days, but it's a reality for teens. Lisa said, "If your kid has one or two good buddies, leave it alone. It's perfect. If your kid has a large friendship group, do not assume that anyone is going out of their way to cause trouble. It is the nature of those larger groups."
• In groups of over four, it's impossible that every person will like each other equally.
• If your teen has a few close friends, they have everything they need for a positive social life. Reassure them that we have good data showing that the least stressed kids have one or two good friends.
• Understanding that mental health has come to be equated with feeling good or relaxed or happy. These are all wonderful things, but they're not what mental health is. Dr. Damour explains that being mentally healthy is about having feelings that fit the circumstance, then managing those feelings, even if those are negative emotions.
• Learning the difference between uncomfortable and unmanageable.
• Helping teens make the most of the friendship strife they face by learning how to handle conflict. This will serve them for the rest of their lives.

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