189. Caregiving and family drama: Best strategies

Aging in Style with Lori Williams

How can I avoid family drama when an elderly loved one needs care?

Every family has its own conflicts and drama. This truth becomes more obvious when aging parents or loved ones need care due to dementia, Alzheimer’s, or other diagnoses where they require constant care. Old fights and hurt feelings resurface, siblings butt heads, and the stress of the situation can make it all worse!

Author Leah Stanley joins me to share her experiences with caregiving and how family dynamics can complicate the situation. She began caring for her grandparents when she was only 29 and wrote about the experience in Goodnight, Sweet: A Caregiver's Long Goodbye. She also shares 3 of her tips she wished she'd known to help avoid family conflict. They are:

1. Prepare and communicate: It’s best when a parent has a plan in place for their future care needs and to discuss this plan with their adult children. This includes decisions about financial matters, healthcare preferences, and end-of-life care. Having these conversations in advance can help reduce stress and confusion later on.
2. Work together despite our differences: Family members need to be willing to set aside personal differences and work together for the well-being of their loved one who needs care. If they don’t get along, it only negatively impacts the parent.
3. Seek family mediation: If family members find it challenging to come to an agreement, try using a family mediator. They can help everyone find common ground and work toward the best outcome.

Caregiving can unfortunately take a huge emotional toll, and the last thing anyone needs is fighting. The best thing we can do is discuss ahead of time and prevent fights before they arise, and a plan is essential to that. If fights arise, nip them in the bud or use any resources you can to minimize the damage.

Topics discussed:

1. Preparation and communication for caregiving
2. Working together with family
3. Family mediation
4. Legal documents and end-of-life planning
5. Self-care and caregiver stress

Takeaways from this episode:

-There’s no clear reason why families fight when an elderly loved one needs care. Sometimes it’s not about the situation at hand – childhood trauma or sibling rivalries may resurface.

-Make sure you know which family member is tasked with what if an emergency arises.

-Being proactive means having legal documents in place, such as wills, powers of attorney, and advance directives. This gives families clarity and guidance in caregiving situations.

-Caregiving is often emotionally and physically demanding, so prioritizing self-care is essential.

-If you’re having family conflicts, you’re not alone. Family mediators are available for a reason. Try having a neutral third-party help.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

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The 'Essential Binder': Your ultimate resource to organizing your important documents:

https://www.loriwilliams-seniorservices.com/aging-in-style-podcast/episode/226fa6c3/177-the-essential-binder-your-ultimate-resource-to-organizing-your-important-documents

Leah Stanley:

https://www.e3caregiving.com/

Caring for a Loved One with Alzheimer's or Other Dementia: Everything I Wish I Had Known

https://amzn.to/4aW3kV3

Goodnight, Sweet: A Caregiver's Long Goodbye

https://amzn.to/3ybgCyo