Success Story: He Said “I Don’t Feel In Love With You” And Then Came Back

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

I had the pleasure of interviewing Kelsey who had a pretty intriguing breakup story.

Basically her ex gave her the whole,

“I have a lot of love for you but I’m not IN love with you.”

So, for those of you who have ever had an ex say that or,

“I’m not sure I see a future together with you”

Then you’ll want to pay attention to Kelsey’s success story.

Summary Of Our Conversation

• Kelsey’s Personal Story
• How She Found Out About The Program
• The End Of The No Contact Rule
• The Food Delivery Aspect Of The Breakup
• How The Breakup Changed Their Relationship
• How She Got Her Ex Back
• The Issue Of Codependence
• How To Be Content With Not Getting Your Ex Back
• Skipping The Value Ladder

Interview Transcript

Chris Seiter 00:02
All right, today we have another success story. This is Kelsey. So thank you so much for coming on. First off and doing this, Kelsey.

Kelsey 00:11
Thank you for having me.

Chris Seiter 00:12
All right, so let’s kind of roll back time and go back to the beginning. Why don’t you give us kind of like a breakdown of of your situation? Okay,

Kelsey 00:23
yeah. So this started last year of 2022. And me and my ERP ex, at the time, were together for about two and a half years. And so we broke up on February 1. And pretty much like I was pretty, really confused at what the reason was the time and obviously, I was in a very emotional state. And I wanted to know why. And the only answers that I kept getting were like, Oh, I just, I have a lot of love for you. But I don’t feel in love with you, those type of things. And like, I don’t really see a future with you anymore. And so I was just like, panicking on the inside. And I went home after the breakup, and I tried to look up things online, just like some tips on how to get your exes back and stuff like that. And then I came across the ERP, the Ex Recovery Program. And I thought it was so interesting, because the layout was so different than other websites that I looked at. And it was actually really easy to navigate as well. And it showed a lot of the success stories on the page. And I kept reading that and, and it gave me hope. And I was like, maybe I can check this out and see if it works. So I signed up for that I took the quiz that it has on the website, and I think I got I think it was 80% something like that.

Chris Seiter 02:02
Turns out it was a it was 100%.

Kelsey 02:07
Exactly, sorry to interrupt. Oh, no, no, that’s fine. But yeah, it gave me a lot of hope that it would work out. So I was like, why not, I don’t have anything else really to do. Because it was I had like spring break coming up at the time, too. So I had all this time to just do all this research and stuff. So one thing too was that I didn’t want to talk too much about it with my close friends, because I know that they have very strong opinions of like me getting hurt. And obviously they don’t want that to happen. But at the same time, I still wanted to get him back because I knew that there was something special. And that’s something that nobody else could understand other than me. And so I was just starting the program. And I think I did a 30 day no contact, I tried that. First, I was still very new to it. And I was like I don’t know if I’m doing this right at all. And one thing that was different from a lot of the other stories that I saw was that I would actually see him every week, like once a week at church. So it was a lot harder for me,

Chris Seiter 03:23
even though it’s kind of like a limited no call. Yeah, type situation. Yeah,

Kelsey 03:28
yeah, exactly. And so I was just trying to figure out how to deal with that, because it was definitely pretty difficult seeing him and having all these emotions. And I actually set up an appointment with Anna, who used to be part of the program. And I had, I think it was an hour appointment. And she was talking to me about it. And she gave me this whole plan. And she suggested that I do a 45 day limited no contact. And basically, the value chain was very different for me because of that. And so like there was no display starting off with like texting, and then phone calls and stuff like it was a little different because I already see him in person. So I started off with just like the smiling and the waving. At first he avoided me at all costs. And that made me feel even worse. And it was really hard at the time. But I had faith in the program. And I had actually two battle buddies that I talked to at the same time, which helped me a lot. And I really appreciate the Facebook group for the program. And I’m still in it and I love just looking at other people’s stories and just reading what they’re going through as well because I totally understand now. And so it really helps me talking to other people going through the same situation. And so yeah, we started off like smiling and waving and Let it got to like saying hi to each other. And then he, oh, yeah, in the, in the 30 day no contact. Before I talked to Anna, he would he reached out to me like, I think it was four days into the no contact. But I knew that I couldn’t respond, because obviously I not supposed to contact him at all. So I didn’t, and I, I just saw the message. And then he messaged me like three other times after that. And I was really surprised, because I didn’t think he would message me at all. So that happened. And then when it got to the end of the no contact period, I replied, I can’t quite remember what I said. But it was just a short reply. Like, I think he asked me how I was doing. And I kept it neutral. And I was like, I’m good. How are you? Something like that. And and then he was a lot different than I planned, because he asked to meet up and just talk about what happened and how things were. I agreed to meeting up with him. But I was really cautious about talking about the relationship, because I know that when I watched your videos before, I think in some of them, you advised us to like, try to avoid talking about the relationship. And so if he brought it up himself, like I would just answer him was like a short answer, but I would kind of change the topic, redirect it to something else. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I think he noticed that a lot. Because he just kept asking more deeper questions like, oh, because I never, I never knew if he ever, like thought about me, because he kept ignoring me all the time. I never knew how he felt. I thought he was like, completely over me. And then he would bring it up himself and be like, oh, yeah, I watched I always watch your stories. And I saw you went to this place. And I was like, Oh, I didn’t know you paid attention to that. But it really proves that they do pay attention when you post something online. It may seem like they’re not looking, but I feel like they right.

Chris Seiter 07:20
I try to tell people in the group that all the time and it’s like, in one ear out the other. They don’t really believe me, but having you come on and say it. Yeah, I think that’ll be helpful for them.

Kelsey 07:32
Oh, for sure. I’ve like I 100% thought he did not care what I was posting. So to hear him say like, oh, yeah, I remember. And he would remember little details to like, I remember you went to this park. And so I was really amazed. And I was like, Oh, wow, he actually pays attention to my stories. So yeah, that was really great. No, and after that we would. So he over here, so I live in Vancouver, BC in Canada. And so like it’s been a really big thing with food deliveries and stuff with like, us, like skip the dishes. Uber Eats. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that. I don’t know what it’s like. Yeah, I

Chris Seiter 08:15
mean, unfortunately, I feel like I live on that much. I’ve had to cut back. Yeah, yeah. DoorDash is pretty popular here. Not so much. Uber Eats DoorDash GrubHub. Okay, okay. Yeah, guys have that up there. I’m sure, right.

Kelsey 08:30
Yes. Yeah, we do. Yeah. So with the food deliveries. I thought there were definitely like times where it was on and off when I would see him and he would be the complete opposite of like, being really happy to see me he’d look like kind of depressed. And he would tell me Oh, I don’t think we should hang out or be friends or something like that. And I was like,

Chris Seiter 08:55
hot and cold. Yes. Yeah. Go from like meeting you in person saying like, Oh, I’m watching your stories to just sort of like giving you the brush back.

Kelsey 09:05
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it was so annoying at times, because I was like, I don’t know where this is going. But I have to like respect what he’s asking. So I don’t want to push too much. So can

Chris Seiter 09:18
can ask a clarifying question. Yeah, yeah. Where? Where does the food delivery aspect come in?

Kelsey 09:24
Oh, yeah. I was just getting to that. So he so he would be like, Oh, I don’t want to hang out as friends or anything like that. But he would find a way to hang out with me somehow. And that’s where the food delivery would come in. Because he would be like, Oh, I think we could deliver food together and it came out of nowhere. Because, ya know, it was even work. I know. It was so weird because, yeah, because he would usually deliver food like in his spare time on his scooter. But like he wanted to deliver food with me in my cars. I see. Okay,

Chris Seiter 10:05
so he works for like a DoorDash GrubHub Uber Eats type thing. And he would invite you along to as you go on the runs. Ah, yeah. Okay. Now it makes sense.

Kelsey 10:17
Yeah. And at first I was like, oh, maybe he’s just being friendly. But I would like talk to my battle buddies. And they would be like, No, I think he just wants to spend more time with you. Because it wasn’t just one time. Like, he would always ask, Oh, let’s let’s deliver this day. And then he would want to always meet up like every single day. And there would be a point where I’d have to be like, no, because I don’t want him to get used to me being available all the time. So yeah, so but it was really interesting, because he would always be like, Oh, I don’t think we should hang out. And then he would always find a way to, to hang out somehow, like, food delivery. So yeah, it was really, it was really weird. But it was really interesting, too, at the same time. It’s like he was very hot and cold, like you said. But then eventually, we we started hanging out more. And there were a lot more positive interactions. And he even told me because I actually, I think, was it I’m not sure if it was the book, was it? I’m not sure. But I downloaded something of becoming UG. I forgot what that stood for. But I Oh, yes. Yes. That ungettable Yeah. And so I remember, I downloaded that. And I kept reading that every single day. And like, just doing new things on my own. And I hung out with my friends so much, that was probably the most I’ve ever hung out with them. But when I saw him, he would actually tell me, oh, like, I noticed, you’re like a completely different person. And it’s so cool. So I was like, Oh, wow, I didn’t. That’s amazing that he’s noticing these changes, and I didn’t even bring it up myself.

Chris Seiter 12:04
You were posting on on social media, though.

Kelsey 12:08
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I would just like post different places of like, where I was going, and whenever I was out with friends, and apparently he noticed that a lot. So he would bring that up. And he would, and like, I started going to the gym as well. And he would point that out as well, like, oh, I can see you’re becoming so fit and so healthy. And then I feel like he definitely at the beginning of the breakup, I saw, he was really trying hard to look good. Like you started going to the gym every single day. And then after about a month after the breakup, he looked like he became so depressed. And I feel like it’s so related to the videos that you’ve made, where the breakups hit them harder, like later on. And it just that it really proved that to me like it for like for girls. It’s so different because we go through it right away. And I, I still think that he was in a fearful avoidant, because of like, he like he kept pushing me away. And then he still wanted to hang out with me. And so like, it was really interesting. It was hard to because it like it felt like there was no progress at all some at some points. But then it started picking up a lot more and I think it was in late May. So I think that’s, I think that’s four months or

Chris Seiter 13:43
Yeah, February. March. Yeah. But three and a half months, probably three,

Kelsey 13:48
yeah, three and a half months, something like that. So yeah. So that’s when we started hanging out more. And then we actually decided to go on this trip together to the island, which is not to it’s like an hour ferry ride. Because we used to go to the island before and he thought that it would be something fun. So I just agreed to going on the trip to see how things would be if it was just us. So it ended up being one of the best trips that I’ve been on. And I feel like our relationship now is so different from before because I know that before in our previous relationship, I know that I was very clingy. And I can admit that I was very clingy. And I was very dependent on him. And I think he saw that as well. So I would say that the breakup really taught me a lot of things and like finding the program and reading the UG stuff and just talking with other people going through similar things has helped me so much because I feel like the program is not now necessarily to get your ex back, but it’s to like find find yourself and like, find your self confidence. And while you do that, like it’s a bonus to get them back. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it was really nice.

Chris Seiter 15:19
So, at this point, you’re, I mean, your story is kind of interesting. So you are, let me just kind of summarize this far, you originally tried to do a 30 day No Contact Rule way back at the beginning. But that shifts into a 45 day no contact, when that 45 days is up, he asks you to see him, you obviously see each other. And then he kind of starts, you know, being a little hot and cold, which is kind of typical after a breakup and invite you on for the Uber Eats, drive along, which is kind of funny. And then it kind of it kind of grows from there and eventually coalesces into this trip. Yeah, where which I guess can be kind of considered more of a romantic type environment, you’re going to an island together, just the two of you. It’s a romantic type thing. At any point, you’re acting like a couple here, but Oh, yeah. You haven’t really gotten the confirmation or had the commitment talk just yet.

Kelsey 16:21
Yes. So on that trip, actually, it came up. Because I don’t know I wanted clarity for myself, because I didn’t want to be stuck in this position where, like, we were acting like a couple, but we weren’t a couple because that was ultimately the goal. So I wanted to bring that up really briefly. And he was very open to talk about it, too. Like he was actually getting really deep into it. And he was telling me how he enjoys being around me. And he realizes that he’s like he’s tried to, that’s another thing I didn’t add like he was he tried to talk to like a, like another girl from his work or something. And that didn’t work.

Chris Seiter 17:07
greener. He sort of realized, Oh, I had Kelsey.

Kelsey 17:12
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So he was like, I just know that we were together for a reason before. And he and he admitted, like even today, he he felt he felt like he was in denial a lot of the time. And he just didn’t want to, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself. And I didn’t even ask him about that, too. You just said that to me. So.

Chris Seiter 17:39
So do you mind if I ask you a few questions, because it’s interesting. I had a coaching call with a woman last Friday, and she’s really close to getting your ex back. Like, okay, yeah, like super. But the one thing is they’re basically doing everything No, intimacy row, you know, they’re not crossing the the sleeping together line. But they’re pretty much doing everything that a couple would do. But she’s having trouble getting a commitment out of him. She She’s worried of engaging the talk, and that’s in he’s gonna reject her outright. So how did you approach that? Wasn’t him that brought that up? Or did you end up kind of bring it up? And if you didn’t bring up did what was like the moment you chose to bring it up?

Kelsey 18:24
Um, so it was me who brought it up. So I chose to like we had like a really fun day. And I chose to bring it up. Like, right at the end of the day, when it was just like, when the sun was going down. And the view was looking nice. Yeah, so see, you’re

Chris Seiter 18:39
you’re like, perfect. Yes, exactly what I advised her, it’s us a little a little tentative, but I understand why she’s afraid of getting rejected. But how did that go for you when you did it that way?

Kelsey 18:51
I was honestly, so nervous on the inside, because I didn’t know what he would say. But I felt like I had nothing to lose because I knew it was going really well. So if he actually was like willing to get back together with me, then he would be open to talking about it. And so I just went for it. And it ended up going really well. And we came home and and he just he just started calling me as partner. So yeah, yeah, it was easy. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 19:26
Okay. So but I mean, that’s one way is to look at it like you had nothing to lose. But I would argue you had a ton to lose because you’re stuck on an island with you, you’re stuck with someone. But in a weird way that might have worked in your favor, because it wouldn’t make him take it more seriously then. Yeah, and but what’s interesting is before we kind of started this interview, I was trying to get a little bit of a backstory on your situation, but I couldn’t find much but I did find that your two battle buddies they didn’t get their exes back but they moved on to someone new and are happy with those new people. Which I think harkens back to what you were just saying, which is like, the point of the program that we teach isn’t necessarily to get your ex back, it’s kind of get yourself back. And if you can do that, usually the circumstances you either Attract Your Ex Back or you attract someone better than your act. So it’s kind of a win win. Yes,

Kelsey 20:20
yes, exactly. Yep.

Chris Seiter 20:23
Okay, so you have this very romantic getaway to this fun Island, which is such a cool, I’m gonna have to try to recommend someone to do the coaching. Take them to an island. So you take you go to the islands, you’re back together? And how does the rest work out from there? Like how have things been since you’ve been official? Again,

Kelsey 20:50
it’s been really like, I, it’s been so great. Like, it’s completely different from before. Like, I think it’s because I don’t depend on him as much. And I can do things on my own now. Whereas before, I would always do things together with him. And I think it’s very important to realize that you have to be able to live on your own. And when you do have someone that you’re with, it’s like kind of a bonus, like they’re just an added part to your life, but you can’t make them your whole life. Because then you become too dependent on them. But also working as a team together to just become better as people too.

Chris Seiter 21:39
Do you mind if I dig in a little bit on this? Because really what you’re talking about is sort of the issue of codependence and why it’s not sort of a good outcome if you’re too codependent on each other. But what I’m what I want to dig in about is actually to go back to your kind of how you caught it, or how he courted you. Were you pretty dependent? Like when you look back before all the breakup, and when you’re getting your first relationship sort of set up? Yeah, he’s sort of wooing you, so to speak. You weren’t dependent or anxious at all? Were you? No, no, I wasn’t. So my argument would be that he fell in love with that type of a person. But over the course of a relationship, you probably got triggered with your anxiousness or triggered with your dependent so much. Oh, yeah. And that may be repelled him. But what’s interesting is you got a lot of like on the breakup, he said, like, I’m in love with you, but I’m not in love with you kind of. Yeah, yes, yes. Right. Did you ever like after the fact when you got him back kind of asked him about that? Like, what was the feeling in the breakup moment?

Kelsey 22:51
Yeah, I mean, we talked about that. And he did say that, he felt like he couldn’t have his own space. And I do you remember, he would always ask for space. And I never gave that to him. And that was something that I really regretted after the breakup. And so now, like, we’re really good at giving each other space now, so it’s, it’s so different?

Chris Seiter 23:14
Well, that’s kind of amazing, because all right, so I’m going to tell you a couple stories. Number one is the space thing. So when someone signs up for coaching with me, Jen, or one of our team members, or coaches, they’re asked to fill out kind of a breakdown to their situation, not like too long, but enough. And what’s really interesting is I’ve been doing this for close to 10 years now. 10 years exactly, which really makes me feel old. But I’ve been doing this for 10 years. So I’ve seen like a ton of situations. And I started I think I started coaching in 2015, or 2016. But we started getting these these Intake Forms coming in. And the one consistent pattern I’ve noticed is what you just said like identical, the ex asked for space in the relationship and the person wouldn’t give it to them. Like you’re actually not alone in that that is super, super common. But what what I find more inspiring about your situation is the fact that a lot of people, we can get them, we can help them create an environment where an ex is conducive to come back. But the work doesn’t really stop there. Because there’s issues in the relationship that are present that you have to kind of address. And to me, it seems like this was the big issue, the dependency that you had on him or what have you and his inability to need space or what have you. But you seem to have actually corrected it. You seem to have like made the change and stuck with it. And I think you’ve been together with him for a while now. Yeah,

Kelsey 24:48
yes. Yeah. i Well, it’s been since late May and and now it’s like it’s already Yeah, it’s already it’s already been like past Two years since the breakup, too, so, yeah,

Chris Seiter 25:03
that’s funny. I mean, like that, to me is a real success story. Because we, you know, sometimes we’ll get on these interviews and we’ll talk to people and they’ve been back with their ex for like a month. We’re just getting them sort of during the honeymoon period. So it’s kind of hard to sort of check back on them. Yeah. But what what I did another interesting study, sorry, I’m rambling too much. But I did another interesting study a couple of weeks ago, where I went, I picked 12 success stories, then I went and audit them, I went and either asked the person or knew enough from their postings in the group to see if they were still together with their ex. And I was trying to figure out, like, I knew how long it took them to get their ex back. And I was trying to figure out the people who took longer to get their exes back. Do they end up staying together? versus the people who get back really, really quickly? And what we found is that there is actually a pretty interesting correlation between people who take longer to get back together and having a better chance of staying together. And I don’t know, it just seems interesting, because you’re kind of, you’re kind of proof of that, you know, you’re still together after a year, and things seem to be going really well.

Kelsey 26:13
Yeah. Really well, it’s, it’s been amazing. And it did feel like a really long time, because I like after the first month of being broken up. I, it was hard for me to still have hope, because I felt like he was just drifting away. But then I use that time to just work on myself. And then those months went by a lot faster than then it felt like before, and then just everything just fell into place. And it was really nice. When you look back

Chris Seiter 26:47
on your entire breakup recovery, ex boyfriend recovery experience, I guess, what would you say was the most important factor for you.

Kelsey 26:59
Um, the most important factor, I think it was definitely finding myself more like, I felt like, I kind of lost myself in the relationship before. Because I felt like he was part of my identity. And so I thought, it’s very important for me to find what I’m good at, find what I enjoy doing, and just continue doing that. And in the process, it would be nice to get him back at the same time. But also, just being happy with who I am. And I know that we all have like things we can improve on. And, but just knowing that I’m content at the end of the day, whether I get him back or not. And I even told him that too. So yeah,

Chris Seiter 27:52
yeah, I mean, what a pattern that we see a lot when we talk to success stories like yourself, is that getting over them? aspects, you know, it’s kind of like just having the confidence to know like, even if you don’t get, like what you just said, you know, I’m content if I get you back or not. And being authentic with that, and I think that’s the challenge most people struggle with. Because as I’m sure you’ve experienced, we go through the breakup. What is it you want more than anything, you want to fix the situation you want to get back? But yeah, it’s hard to take on faith that you kind of have to authentically be content with not getting them back before you can actually get them back. What would you say? You felt was the most impactful thing that you did to achieve that type of a mindset.

Kelsey 28:42
Um, well, it did help me to journal my feelings down, I would just write down how I felt every single day. And I would look back on it, to see my progress and seeing my progress really inspired me to keep going, and that I was getting somewhere because it felt like I wasn’t, but I saw the differences from the beginning and like, maybe a month later. And then I was like, Oh, if I if I can do this, like, if I’m happy right now, then I could be a lot happier in another month. And like, I won’t have to always think about getting him back. And I can just be happy on my own. So that that kind of thing.

Chris Seiter 29:25
Yeah, I mean, I just your success story. You know, I told you before we went, like I don’t even care if you use their program, and I just want to find out what you did that works. But a lot of what you’re saying is kind of what we recommend, which is sort of that yeah, get to that place emotionally where you’re able to let go before you try to get them back. And I’m sure a lot of people struggle with that. Oh, yeah. When we one interesting deviation that you seem to have made is you sort of skipped the value ladder you kind of like went to the meet up way quicker than normal. But I wouldn’t even argue that you didn’t so much because You were kind of forced into this limited no contact. So it already felt like you were kind of seeing each other every week. You said church, right? It was church that you would see.

Kelsey 30:10
Yeah. What was?

Chris Seiter 30:13
Can you take us back to some of those moments on? Was it just you waving? Or was it? Was there more to the limited contact that you did have in those 45 days?

Kelsey 30:24
Um, well, we have like this young adults group that we’re both a part of, and it’s just, it’s quite a small group. Like, there’s only about 10 to 1212 of us in it. And so it was really awkward at the beginning. Because, right when, when the breakup happened, like, not everyone knew that we weren’t together anymore. So it was really awkward for me. And so like, when it got to that point where we were, like, smiling at each other like it, that took a long time, and that was probably not until like, two months after the breakup, where he would feel comfortable waving at me, I felt like he was the one who was to, like, he didn’t want to make eye contact at all. So

Chris Seiter 31:14
he’s like, overcorrecting, you know? Yeah,

Kelsey 31:16
yeah, I could tell that he looked nervous. And like he looked really anxious to whenever I was around. So yeah, it did start with just waving and then eventually, he was able to say, Hi. But yeah, I felt like it was a lot harder for him to do that. And like, not just me, like, for me, I felt like I could totally just say hi, anytime, or wave at any time, because I felt very confident in myself at the time. So, but I just, I wanted to mirror his actions, too. So I just waited for him to feel comfortable in doing that first.

Chris Seiter 31:58
Plus, you’re posting on social media, you were kind of getting to that place emotionally. And you also made mention of kind of the meme thing, which is like, you know, like, There’s that famous meme of how girls react to breakups versus how guys react to breakups. Opposite will like you kind of I felt like he kind of lived that, you know, you’re really struggling at first and then over time, he got better than he’s sort of like partying at first and having fun. And then over time, he realizes how miserable he is. You kind of are proof that that meme does exist and has some validity.

Kelsey 32:32
Yeah.

Chris Seiter 32:35
I just wanted to say thank you so much and kind of coming on and sharing this really inspiring story.

Kelsey 32:41
Yeah, of course. I really enjoyed talking about it because it is really cool. Still to me like to this till this day. I find it amazing on how it turned out. So it’s really cool talking about it.

Chris Seiter 32:54
Next is marriage. Next is the baby’s fence. We got to we got to get you there.

Kelsey 33:00
Yeah, yeah.

The post Success Story: He Said “I Don’t Feel In Love With You” And Then Came Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.