10 Marks of a Great Mentor

Grounded with Chuck Quinley

[Video Versions at the Bottom of the Page—Join the discussion in the Chat]

 Mentoring is key to advancement in life no matter our age.

It’s the best way to make sure the advantages of the last generation’s experience in life aren’t lost so they can benefit the next generation.

Hopefully, you’ve had some good mentors in life. I know Sherry and I have. The benefits we gained from these interactions made us determined to be the best mentors we could even when we were just in our early 20’s. It became our life’s calling. We call it, “Building Big People.”

It’s not a transactional thing. It’s something more like friendship. If someone comes up to you and says, “Will you be my friend?” it feels like they might be emotionally unstable. Just spend some time together and if you are a fit, a friendship will emerge.

If a friend gets jealous or shows up too often it usually leads to a cooling in the connection. Mentoring is like that too. It has a natural flow to it and if you make it official, like calling someone your “best friend,” you might just mess it up.

A mentor isn’t an official job, it’s a kind of influence we recognize as beneficial on our momentum in life. Mentoring gives our life meaning and helps us pass on the ancient wealth of wisdom we have gotten from our elders throughout life. (Their’s is 100 year old wisdom, folks, so it’s the good stuff!)

Mentoring is the most important thing we do as leaders at Emerge Missions.

It is now the foremost thing our next generation leaders request of us.

10 Characteristics of Great Mentors

* They intend to mentor. The best mentors have accepted this as a calling from God. It is their high work in life and a focus their intent on doing an excellent job as a mentor for the next generation.

* They “see you”. There's a patients to them. They are not working so hard to be seen so they have more capacity to see others and where they are in their development.

* They “read” you. Maybe the best word for this is discernment. They don't just scan people to see how attractive they are, or if their clothes seem to be expensive. They read deeper, and they analyze people that they interact with, but they do it with mercy, remembering themselves in all the various stages of their own development and awareness.

* They have a hopeful vision for you. They are generous and upbeat. It is easy for them to become excited about the potential in another person's life. They have learned what works and they will quickly spot your tools and special abilities.

* They don’t take you over. This is what separates them from cult leaders. Anyone who uses the vulnerability of you opening up to them to “power up” on you and start taking over your life has no business in this kind of work. Anyone who would say things like, “As your (sponsor/mentor/pastor/father/leader/discipler/coach), I’m here to help you but also to kick your butt if you do stupid things…” is toxic. Such people have unmet personal needs for power. Get away from them.

The people who truly change your life for the better have no interest in dominating you. Your own dominion is what they want to see flower and expand. The ones who change your life have their own power. They rule their own world and they don’t need to rule yours.

* They create time boxes for you where you get 100% of their attention. They take your call and whenever you speak, even if it's just for five minutes, you can tell they are completely tuned in to you. Your conversations matter to them.

* They really listen whenever you speak. They show with their body posture and their eye contact so strongly that you open your heart even more than you had planned. When they listen they listen with a third ear. Our words are just one layer. Wise mentors recognize how much of human communication is done through tone and gesture and timing. After selling them on your big new plan they might pause for a minute and say something like, “It’s exciting to start new things in life, isn’t it?! But, it feels like you aren’t completely sold on this idea yourself.” That’s when you realize that you only made that bold plan to impress your father in law whose approval you’ve never felt. You don’t even want to do it. Your mentor saved you a ten-year detour in life. That’s the power of a person in your life who simply listens deeply to you and asks questions.

* They call out the strengths they see in you. Most of us see our weaknesses already. We don’t need another voice in our head about that. We win in life because of our strengths. The good mentor has a keen sense of what we’re good at. They notice things, like attention to detail, courage, working well with others, or bringing a six-pack of “enthusiasm” every day. These might not seem like important stuff, but a seasoned leader knows that so called, “soft skills” are the truly irreplaceable ones. Most hard skills can be gained through training and many of them become instantly irrelevant through one technological advance. The soft stuff is our core. It fuels our greatest contribution to the teams we serve in life.

* They connect you to other healthy people, resources, and opportunities. In other words, they invest in you, sharing their accumulated lifetime social and professional network. They open doors for you if they can. Their network, like yours, is the backbone of their life. Meaning comes from making a valuable contribution to the network we build throughout life.

* They cheer for you from the shadows backstage, versus stepping out to share the stage with you. Mentors have had lots of victories in life. They’ve won awards and been on stage. They don’t need more of that. Their joy is in watching you earn your moments in the spotlight.

The Ironic Gift

The mentor will ask for little from you except to also pay attention and put wisdom into practice. There’s a bit of universal magic here, however. Although the good mentor asks for nothing, they really get the most benefit out of the relationship.

Leadership studies have shown that having a dedicated mentor changes your upward trajectory by 15% in terms of the general markers of success. Becoming a mentor, however, has an upward push of 45% or more!

So, if you’re only 15 years old, you should try to mentor some 12-year-olds. They will think you hung the moon and the posture you assume will begin transforming you into a life-giving leader. That change in perspective then sets you up for all kinds of success in life.

Mentoring as Mission

Mentoring is the key to the success of the Batang Sidewalk program in Metro Manila. Kids mentor kids. It has been tested for 25 years now and the results are breathtaking.

Hundreds of kids from families under the crushing weight of generational poverty have been mentored and later become mentors for kids younger than them. They all go to Jesus camp. They stay in high school and become the first in their family history to graduate college and move up in life. Then they return to the barrios every weekend in search of the next hungry generation and bring the gospel to them as well.

This system is the ancient core of the Jesus community. “Making disciples” is about having a holistic concern for other people. You want them to be set free from their sin and their destructive habits. You want them to feel the embrace of their savior and to become aligned with their Creator so life works for them. You want to see their faith built up so they believe God is behind them, giving them dominion in life so they can crush the works of the devil and rise up as children of God.

Mentoring changes us at every age.

There’s always someone just a little bit younger than us, and behind us in our development in life. It can give retirement age individuals,It can give retirement age individuals a new purpose.

This year my father passed away. It was agonizing to watch his body breaking down system by system over his last three years. He had been my mentor throughout life. The deepest investment he made in me was to share his personal mistakes and failures with me. He could have covered these things and persevered the legend, but he was committed to my development so he gave this costly treasure to me. I will always cherish this gift and be wary to avoid those same traps along my path.

In his last year, I said, “Dad, you’re my mentor in all things. You are teaching me how to do the last hard mile of life. Any advice for me when I get to your stage?” Without missing a beat, he said with his wry smile, “I’d skip it if you can.”

Mentors are with us forever. I love ya, Dad.

Watch the video in this player:

Watch the video on YouTube

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit chuckquinley.substack.com