Season 3 Outtakes

Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast

In time honoured tradition, have a laugh on us this April Fool’s Day. It’s the blooper reel!

Did you know Casting Lots now has merch? Find us on Redbubble: https://www.redbubble.com/people/CastingLotsPod/shop

CREDITS

Written, hosted and produced by Alix Penn and Carmella Lowkis.

Theme music by Daniel Wackett. Find him on Twitter @ds_wack and Soundcloud as Daniel Wackett.

Logo by Riley. Find her on Twitter and Instagram @tallestfriend.

Casting Lots is part of the Morbid Audio Podcast Network. Network sting by Mikaela Moody. Find her on Bandcamp as mikaelamoody1.

TRANSCRIPT

Carmella: What do we normally do for the bloopers?

Alix: Err, well to be honest-

C: Oh, we’re recording cool.

A: Well, well we weren’t earlier so that balances it out. Well we normally attempt to write a blooper intro and then fuck it up.

C: Blooper time!

A: We definitely remembered and hadn’t already started putting all the equipment away because we’d wrapped for the season.

C: Enjoy(!)

A: En-[mumbles] Enjoy all the ways that we erm, can’t pronounce words.

C: We can’t pronounce so many words,

A: Neanderthal.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Just can’t do it, can’t do it won’t do it, refuse to learn. Have fun.

[Intro Music – Daniel Wackett]

C: So for our, for our first episode-

A: Do you want to try that again?

A: This doesn’t actually feature at all in the script so I’m just going to put it in now and it can be cut. But you’ll be pleased to know that in the research for this there are a lot of dogs, all of them survive.

C: Ah.

A: Mostly because most of them never interact with people. [Alix laughs]

C: Cool they’re just, they’re just mentioned-

A: Well, erm, the, the ship still, the captain’s dog from one of the shipwrecks is noted as having survived but fucks off and is never seen again.

C: Ha! Good for him.

A: There are wild dogs on the island that the men all get really excited about. And they fuck off and never seen again.

C: Okay.

A: And then finally I- Oh, is it a St. Bernard? It’s a – No it’s a Newfoundland.

C: Oooh.

A: One guy who, Sir Not actually appearing in the story. Erm, Because I don’t mention him by name. Tom Cross. Don’t know why I know him. He has a big Newfoundland.

C: Aww.

A: The Newfoundland does get bonked on the head by someone trying to hunt to a seal. There’s – the dogs helping them hunter a seal.

C: Oh no! Yeah, we’ve all been there.

A: He gets really excited and he gets bonked. But yeah, he’s fine.

C: When you’re in the kitchen and your dog’s under your feet, yeah.

A: And you’re having to club your own food to death in the kitchen?

C: Yeah.

A: But yeah, four dogs, at least for dogs. None of them get eaten.

C: I’m- that’s really nice.

A: It’s what you want isn’t it?

C: Yeah.

A: Okay, there we go. There’s the little subplot about how no dogs are harmed in the making of this story. People on the other hand?

C: Hmm.

A: They’re fucked.

C: Okay.

[Carmella laughing]

A: What do you mean that we’re gonna have to edit these? They gotta be like, pure gold all the way through, we just released them straight away.

C: Good. Good.

A: Okay (out of breathe) I always feels like I can’t breathe when we do room noise-

C: You can’t breathe, that’s the whole point.

[Laughs]

C: Infant bones also displayed marks of butchery such as – Oh, warning. This is unpleasant.

[Laughs]

A: They’re all in a erm, cinematic universe together- Darcy!

C: I am being very heavily licked by this dog.

A: I’m trying to talk about cannibalism!

[Loud clattering noise of a laptop falling over]

C: Oh no! [Laughter] She’s good!

A: She’s okay. She’s made it.

C: That was the sound of me knocking my laptop over.

A: We are a professional setup here.

A: Bedtime confession. That’s not what it’s called. Erm-

C: Deathbed.

A: Deathbed confession.

C: [Laughing] Bedtime confession!

A: The Irish – oh shit. I always say dis – dis – disphra? Dyspho?

C: Diaspora.

A: Diaspora! I always say dysphoria.

C: Dysphoria, the Irish dysphoria.

A: Diaspora.

C: “I was sitting on the beach with another frogman.” Am I saying that right?

A: You are.

C: Okay. It’s just stupid.

A: This is what happens when you haven’t socialised in so long and your main form of socialisation is talking about cannibalism. We’re normal.

C: Yeah.

A: Two men would die naturally and be cannibalised aboard the half raft of Drot. I’ll try that with some cadence- And then be cannibalised upon the half draft of the Drot. This-

C: The half draft of the Drot?

A: Fuck.

(Carmella laughs)

A: You know, when your grandmothers tell you something and you’re a young child and you believe it?

C: Yes.

A: My nan when I was really little once told me you had to chew milk as you drank it. Otherwise it would coagulate and be like jelly in your stomach. And that one completely made-up fact, put me off drinking milk for so many years because of the idea of having like jellified milk. [C: Hmm] Thank you, Nanny.

C: My dad told me that when you’re on an escalator, you have to jump off at the end it will catch your feet and you’ll get sucked under and killed. And I believe that for a long time. Why, why did why did adults do that to children? Because it’s funny.

A: Because it’s funny.

[Laughing]

A: Yeah. Yeah, with hindsight, we can see that but also, all I can think now is with this blood being like, well, you’re gonna have to chew that, aren’t you? I’m like, Nanny, this is your legacy. Your legacy is coagulated milk.

C: And they make out a three master shooner in the distance.

A: Schooner.

C: Schooner, every f [slaps leg] ing time.

A: But this is the framework that we’ve looked at these unstab – unsabutated.

C: Unsubstantiated.

A: Fucking hell.

C: That’s what I can do.

A: Unsubstantiated.

C: I guess without a map. It’s hard to tell. There was a map in the book that I read, but I don’t have it with me.

A: We are unfortunately an audio based production.

C: Yeah.

A: I can’t remember if this was part of the Cold War if this was even America at all, it might not have been. But hasn’t there at some point been like a gay missile like the idea that we can make all of your enemy so gay, they can’t fight with a pheromone?

C: I don’t know whether that’s the Cold War, but it sounds like something America would come up with.

A: I’m gonna have to look it up. I’m sure-

C: I was like, I’m gonna pause that.

A: I’ve never heard of it before. That didn’t sound sincere. It was true. [Carmella laughs] I’ve never heard of it. Oh my god. I can’t sound sincere.

C: I’ve literally never heard of it?

A: I’ve I have literally never heard of it before. It sounded worse!

C: That still sounded fake.

A: I would love to hear about the Na’vi expedition. Na’vi?

C: Narváez.

A: Narváez. I mean Na’vi is the thing from Avatar. Erm.

C: Macquarie Harbour’s in Tasmania, so you’re wrong about that already.

A: Good start.

C: Wait is Tasmania part of Australia? Or is it a separate place to Australia?

C: [Laughing] Please tell me about the bo- the ship that I’ve already forgotten the name of.

A: I would go chronol chronologic, I would go chronologically, don’t give me that look, I got there.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Words what do they mean?

[Carmella laughs]

A: And we’re back in the studio after the angle grinding next door neighbour decided to mow his already really short lawn.

C: And then the puppy knocked over all of our recording equipment.

A: Professional enterprise here.

A: And what does the dog say?

C: Ruff, ruff! [Laughs]

A: Direct quote.

C: Yeah.

C: As commissar- commissary? God, this is just a sentence of words.

[Alix cackles]

C: Commissary. Commissary?

C: There was not the least prospect of procur- There-

A: Sorry, can this be a sort of Irish Australian accent please?

C: It cannot.

[Laughs]

C: Begin to abandon them in secret.

A: How do you secretly abandon a horse?

C: No, no, abandon the party.

A: That makes more sense.

[Laughs]

A: I just put him down and he wandered off. [Carmella laughs] That makes more sense. Okay. Sorry.

A: By 16th century standards-

C: He’s woke!

A: Stop trying to get us cancelled!

[Carmella laughs]

A: I was trying to, it’s Castro who’s in Evita is it?

C: I think is screw- it Shay Gavera.

A: It’s Che Guevara.

C: Is it Che, is that how you say it?

A: Yeah.

C: That’s good to know. Cuz I’m gonna get to him-

[Laughs]

A: Okay, I’ll make my Evita references later on then.

C: How do I say his surname?

A: Guevara.

C: Che Guevara.

A: Yeah.

C: Cool. Thank you.

A: Cause I know I can cram into this.

C: Yeah, you can get Evita into this. Yeah.

A: Didn’t in the original Cinderella the shoes weren’t glass they were slipper?

C: They’re squirrel slippers.

A: They were squirrel? Yeah, can I say that making sense?

C: At one point CDV manages to buy two dogs, which he and his mates are delighted to eat as a good square meal.

A: As soon as you said they managed to buy two dogs. I was like “What were their names?”

C: Your face lit up. They bought them for dinner.

[Alix cackles]

C: The face journey.

A: Breakfast and lunch.

A: I think it’s worse than the time I did this really hungover because I’m not quite in control of how weird I feel.

C: When he’s picked up by asuna Pierre says Cox was drowned in the King’s river-

A: Sorry, picked up by what?

C: Schooner.

A: Schooner you didn’t say schooner you said shuna.

C: Oh no, sorry, my leg’s dead, I moved and realised how-

[Alix cackes]

C: Oh it’s all gone really stiff. We’re good, we’re good.

A: Have you accidentally put on a poison diving suit?

C: I think I may have.

C: These show distinctive Anthroprojet- bloody hell.

A: And say hello. It’s the Act of Union in 1801! That was so bad. I don’t know why. Why am I acting like I’m Miss Frizzle?

[Carmella laughs]

A: Okay.

A: You make an argument. It’s not compelling. [Carmella laughs] But you make an argument.

A: And made somewhat of a radical proposal.

C: Oh, would you call the proposal modest?

A: Haha. Yeah, that’s the one. I didn’t actually write on the title. [Carmella laughs] I’ll try that again with the right pun. Thank you.

C: This ain’t our- this ain’t our first time at the rodeo! Was that anything?

A: Ah, I was close to the phrase.

C: Wait, is that not the phrase?

A: I think it’s just this ain’t our first rodeo.

C: Oh! This ain’t our first rodeo.

A: Flawless.

C: Oh god I’m so bad at sayings.

A: And when we’re going through the list and doing the prelim- preliminary,

C: Preliminary?

A: Prelim?

C: I can say it – preliminary.

A: Prelimliminary.

C: Initial.

A: Initial.

A: The captain of the Invercauld is a man called George… Fuck.

C: George Fuck [A: George Fuck]. What a name!

A: They hold out until early November 1611. When they eventually surrender having been starved into submission.

C: I thought we were in 1612?

A: Good point. Yeah. 1612 I wrote this while very high on 5G.

[Carmella sneezes]

C: Bless me – I’m sorry.

A: Bless you, Darcy very disturbed.

C: Did that last sentence come out? Or was I very visibly trying not to sneeze?

A: You were-

C: I can say it again.

A: You might need to say it again.

C: Oh no, I’ve recorded that sneeze, great.

A: To another Scottiage. Scottage.

C: Do you wanna try that again or are you happy with that?

C: Nope! [Laughs] I’m- I don’t know what I was trying to say. I’m perfectly happy with how that came out.

A: Fabulous.

A: That what is it? But for the grace of God go I?

C: Is that a saying?

A: Yeah.

C: Okay, cool.

A: Yeah.

C: What’s it mean?

A: But for the grace of god… that could happen to me.

C: Ah, okay. Okay.

A: Go. Yeah.

C: Yeah, go. Okay, cool.

A: See, I was not expecting “in the words of Mickey Mouse” to come out there. I was like, wait, what? Who? Why, Mick? Oh, yeah. It was-

C: It was a meme!

[Laughs]

C: It would help if we knew the geography, but you know, [indistinct] they don’t know the geography either.

A: We’re not a geography podcast.

C:: Cannibalism, that’s all we know.

A: Don’t take that out of context.

C: And only damage a few Cuban airplanes, aeroplanes. God this is from an American source.

[Alix laughs]

A: We actually have a sensible decision. I don’t know why I really can’t do sentences today. We have a sencible.

C: Sencible.

C: Taylor hypothesizes – I should say that like a normal human.

C The connection is just not there-

[loud barking in the background]

C: If I say that I sound like a dick, because I don’t speak any Spanish.

A: I don’t speak any Spanish.

C: Okay.

A: But the Duolingo our lives in my brain rent free. Pulling the gun on you. It’s time to practice your Spanish is my life is dictated by the Duolingo owl like shit, it’s a quarter to midnight, but I haven’t done my Spanish.

C: He’s a cruel tyrant.

A: I’ve got a one, over 1000 Day streak.

C: Oh well done.

A: I’m not any better at Spanish for it.

C: But the owl has had you.

A: The owl has spared me for now.

A: Penal col-ololol [choking noises] penal colony prisoners.

C: Who was the one who had the erm prosthesis that here was just a spoon. That was one.

A: Oh, he was am-Oh shit. What’s his name?!

C: The guy with the spoon!

A: Spoon guy!

C: Spoon guy!

A: I mean, he did die.

C :Yeah, but there was a short period of time.

A: Oh, that’s annoying me now, it began with an E. I literally have the book next door. But no.

C: We’ll look it up after.

A: Was it Ellis? There was an Ellis with an I.

C: It could have been an Ellis.

A: It was Greely one.

C: Yeah, it was Greely.

A: For all of our listeners, Carmella was doing some nice hand gestures representing rain, weather fishing and the storms, which really brought me in to the moment so I just wanted to share that with you. But now back to the death.

C: One patrol gets attacked by a band of Mansi men. Erm Mansi space man.

A: Spaceman?

C: Spacemen.

A: Astronauts. I told you their technology was ahead of their time.

C: One patrol get attacked by a band of Mansi men, which are from one of the local tribes.

A: Who are?

C: Who are from one of the local tribes. Um. Did any of that sentence make sense? Are we done? No.

A: You could just do a group of Mansi men because you’ve already talked about who the Mansi are earlier.

C: That’s true.

C: One patrol get ea-

A: Get eaten?

C: Oh my god.

C: He would later be to be lieutenant governor, Le[f]tenant governor. Fuck, right right we’re gonna get there.

[Alix laughs]

A: That’s I don’t know something. Something about that giving sermon right that baptism and last rites out of sea water that gets me.

C: Would you like to say that to the microphone? As I enjoy that as a comment. Although I can hear possibly Darcy –

A: Yeah, Darcy.

C: – dog having a scream outside.

A: Although that said there’s something about someone having their baptism and last rites with [tongue trilling] Aalthough that said there’s something with someone. Oh fucking hell. No, no, I don’t want to say it into the microphone in fact.

A: But the 47-year-old Scottish First Lieutenant fuck Leftenant.

A: Stonehenge was built by aliens.

C: Yeah, sure.

A: We all know that.

C: So when. So! So.

A: That’s me.

C: No, I’m the so. You’re the but.

A: I’m the but.

C: And the because.

A: Important to note as well.

[Carmella laughs]

A: We own our flaws.

C: Where they had some extra provisions [dog barking loudly and a lot]

C: The main block on his roadmap, is that the main roadblock on his map? The main- After that.

A: It made sense.

C: Okay. After that the main barrier to his success? [Laughs] Yes.

C: On day ten the refugees spot a Japanese frighter.

A: Freighter?

C: Freighter, every time, every time.

A: There aren’t going to be many fish are there they’re in the middle of the scrub.

C: There are some rivers in Tasmania.

A: Then why aren’t they fishing?

C: They’re avoiding the river in case people pursue them on boats.

A: Then there aren’t gonna be any fish are there?

C: There we go. That’s true.

A: Sorry, I just wanted to I’m fact check your joke.

[Laughs]

C: Thanks.

A: You’re welcome.

C: Do you want to ask again what the year isn’t? Let’s stick it in there rather than go back to the start because we’re not going to catch that in the edit. [Alix laughs]

C: No, I want the script, come back to the script! Why were you asking what year it was?

A: Because I was ruminating about the humanity of survival cannibalism again.

C: Oh yes.

A: It was just the full body sigh as you were coming up to a name.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Um, what was I say?

A: The elections do not happen. Because…

C: And now I gotta say that name.

A: We are a very respectful podcast.

C: One of the men spots a boat or it’s a ship actually sorry.

A: Thank you.

C: Hey, I’ve lifted this from other sources. They’re the ones who are wrong.

A: And you know to correct them.

C: Aren’t you proud of me?

C: In modern-day Argentina and Paragway.

A: Paraguay.

C: Paraguay. Thank you. I always get that that one wrong.

C: And basically getting in the way of oppressing-

A: Darcy you’re getting in the way.

A: Anyone with any links to any of the uprisings has their land confinscated. And guess what?

C: You said confinscated.

A: Confiscated. [Laughs] Blah!

A: Anyone with links to any of the uprisings has their land confinscated.

C: You said it again. Confiscated.

A: Confinscated. Anyone with [laughs] anyone with links to any of the uprisings has their land confi-sca-

C: There’s no N in the middle.

A: There is how I’ve written it.

C: There shouldn’t be.

A: Confinscated.

C: Should be confiscated. Not confinscated.

A: Co-fid, what?

C: You were saying confinscated.

A: Yeah.

C: No it’s confiscated.

A: There is no difference between how you’re saying those words.

C: You’re saying confinsskated?

A: Yeah.

C: I’m saying confisscated.

A: Confiscated.

C: Fiss, not finns.

A: Confinscated.

C: Confiscated.

A: Confinscated, confiscated. That’s the same word!

C: It’s not that noticeable just say confinscated.

A: Confinscated, confiscated.

C: Yeah. You’re about to cry. I’m sorry!

[Laughing]

A: Anyone linked to any of the uprisings- don’t look at me.

C: I’m not! I’ve got my eyes closed.

[Laughing]

C: Have a little more faith in people around the globe to be welcoming and hospitable. And not to eat you.

A: Pe- people in glass houses shouldn’t eat their neighbours.

C: People in any houses probably shouldn’t.

A: The British are still ironing out the kinks and yeah, I’ll leave that there-

C: Ha!

A: The British are still ironing out the kinks in the penetra- [tongue trills] system.

C: Yes, they- correct.

A: The British are working out the best way to be shit. There we go.

C: Aren’t we always?

[Alix laughs]

C: … He liked it. It’s like a bird or something.

A: Oh.

C: You can’t hear that?

A: No!

C: Oh, well, I’m glad the mic isn’t picking it up. Perfect. God – I’m not just talking to ghosts in this room.

A: Sure. The coffin had- who are you? I’m on my own. Do-do dodo do-do dodo. Oh my god. Oh my god. It’s the 5G It’s sending us mad.

C: Carmella died 10 years ago was cannibalised. Anways.

A: See now if you are cannibalised, I’m going to be so much trouble with this recording.

C: Erm… what year was this? Let me open my other Google Doc of research.

A: I mean, is it seven? Because Ming’s been in prison for at least four years?

C: It’s not ’75-

A: I was like.

C: It’s not immediately after it is later.

A: 80 something?

A: After King Sigismund- that’s not how I pronounced that before. Sizigmund?

C: Sigismund.

A: Sigismund.

C: I think that is how you pronounced that before actually if I’m honest with you. [laughs]

A: I’m, I’m, I’m blaming my vaccine for everything. After Kingston Sgizidsmund- that was worse not better. Sigis-sid-mund.

C: I was saying Sigismund but I do not know if that’s the correct way to say it either, that’s a guess.

A: Sigismund. After King Sigismund learns of the capulation of the garrison, capitulation fucksakes.

C [quietly]: Capulation.

A: They were turning into capsules.

C: They were doing what?!

A: I don’t think it’s a real word.

C: That looks pretty flat.

A: No one evangeli- No one evangelicalises like a convert.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Have you got a moment to talk about survival cannibalism?

C: Eighteenth century death disease.

A: That’s the one

[sirens]

C: It’s too late. We lost him. He’s gone.

A: He’s gone. Well, they heard us okay. Eighteenth century death disease.

C: Pearce clobbers Greenhill over the ‘ed. Ugh! Over the head.

[Alix laughing]

A: When are we? 1970…?

C: Did I say that information?

A: You didn’t actually give a date.

C: Oh.

A: You gave us you gave us the fall of Saigon which is ‘75.

C: Nah, I said, I said-

(A: And then someone had been in prison)

C: 22nd of May, you’re right, I didn’t give a year did I?

[Alix laughing]

C: Oh God.

A: Let’s go for the top.

C: Told The Associated Presh. Presh.

A: Presh.

C: Yeah, I can’t speak today.

C: Yeah, Alexander Pierce is the OG.

A: I knew you were gonna say that.

[Laughs]

C: Should I not have said that?

A: It’s so cringe worthy.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Had rejected him after seeing a newspeppa

A: Newspepa!

C: A newspepa!

[Laughs]

C: Had rejected him-

[Alix laughs]

A: Sorry. Just needed some lightness in this episode and it was that.

C: Had rejected him after seeing a newspaper article about the case. Did I say pepper again?

A: No you said paper.

C: Okay.

A: Newspepa.

A: There is a fleet of eight sheps- sheeps?

C: Sheep? Where are they come from?

A: Kill me.

A: ‘It’s a small world after all’ I will stop singing there both for copyright reasons and for your ears.

[Carmella laughs]

C: In fact, the narrow passage is so-

A: Narrow?

C: Narrow yeah.

A: The Alcatraz of the – is it the South Seas? Pacific? I don’t know whether where’s Tasmania?

C: The Alcatraz of Australasia?

A: There we go. The Alcatraz of Australasia.

C: Nice one.

A: Came up with it all by myself.

C: Didn’t workshop that one at all.

A: These are respectable prisoners. They will strip a man and tie him to a tree but my God they’re not going to… eat his thighs. I mean, I was taking the piss and then I realised the words coming out of my mouth.

[Carmella laughs]

C: One of his campaign slogans is oh fuck, I haven’t even heard how to say this.

A: That’s a strange campaign slogan but if it works it work.

C: I assume that must just be Yankees. Right? That must be-

A: Yanquis. Cuba Sí, Yanquis No.

C: Where did we get to? Okay, the Bible.

A: The Bible, well actually the murder.

C: The murder, yep.

A: Donde estas tu agua? Aguas. God the Duolingo owl’s gonna get me. Donde estes tu hombres? donde estas tu agua. Oh wait, that’s yours not ours. Nuestras, there we go. Donde estasan nueatras agua. Donde estasan nueatras agua.

C: You said water twice.

A: Water, water. but not a drop to drink. Donde estas oh fuck it.

A: Thank you for listening. Blach! Thank you for listening to today’s episode on Yermak Tima-.

C: You just got to go for it Timofeyevich.

A: On Yermak Timofeowtich. Another Carmela special.

C: Timofeowtich I think.

A: Thank you for listening to today’s episode on Yermak Timovenowich.

[Laughter]

C: That guy.

A: That guy, some Siberian dude. Thank you for listening to today’s ep- Thank you for listening to today- Thank you for listening to today’s episode on Yermak Timofeyevich. Another Carmela special.

[Laughter]

A: Oh fucksakes.

C: You’re just saying not what it is at all.

A: Oh.

C: You have a talent. That’s close enough. I think we can salvage something from what-

A: Timofayevich.

C: Timofeyevich

A: Timofeyevich.

C: Yeah.

A: Thank you for listening to today’s episode on Yermak Timofeyevich.

C: Yes!!!

A: Another Carmella a special and it only took about seven attempts for Alix to be able to pronounce is name.

A: What should have been a grand adventure became an endurance contest.

C: You not gonna do the voice?

A: You have to talk, talk me in – I can’t.

C [bad American accent] What should have been a grand adventure – there we go.

C: They can see the Turley flashing a light in the distance. Are these hand gestures really good?

A: They’re really helpful.

A: In a village in village in Chongdan country, county!

C: So close, so close!

A: And yet.

C: Finally they launch a grand assault on it, erm-

A: On the bosoms.

C: Yes. Finally they attack the bosoms.

[Snorts]

A: My South American geography isn’t good enough where the sentence is going to take us.

C: If it don’t have scales. I’m not interested.

A: Carmella confirmed scaly.

[Carmella laughs]

C: No!

C: Just thought I’d include that for some gastronomic incest for you, Alix.

A: Thank you. I did resist the urge to go ‘gastronomic incest’.

C: Inappropriate time for gastronomic incest.

A: Is there ever an appropriate time for gastronomic incest?

C: No would be the answer to that and that doesn’t stop you normally.

[Alix laughs]

A: It made like national newspaper when a reference to survival cannibalism happened in the House of Lords this year. That was radical enough. Also they were wrong. You might have seen it on our twitter. We will mention it again in future episodes. House of Lords 0 – Casting Lots 1.

C: The – take that out, that sounds like we’re like, ‘we win when people cannibalise.’ We’re not keeping score.

A: No, we know more than the House of Lords.

C: Okay, okay.

A: No that was definitely, we know more than the House of Lords.

A: We could either release like, we could release a book, or we could release a recipe book.

C: I think we should definitely do a cannibalism recipe book.

A: This isn’t the Monty Python sketch where you turn round and someone just looks like…

C: A giant ham, yeah.

A: Exactly!

[Carmella laughs]

A: My head wanted to say ‘tin of beans’ for some reason.

C: Is that, I can’t remember the Monty Python sketch.

A: No, you’re right it is traditionally it’s a meat. I don’t know why- urgh, that would be worse if you envisioned someone as a tin of beans.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Getting the tin opener.

A: Ugh!

C: None of these plots against Castro work.

A: Oh, I remember one, I remember one. Not about Castro. Not about gay bombs. But didn’t in World War Two they trained bats who wore bombs to go and land under tanks so you could blow them up?

C: I believe I’ve heard that one too.

A: Except. I think it was the allies had this plan and trained these bats, but they trained them using the wrong tanks.

C: Using British tanks.

A: So the bats blew up the wrong tanks.

[Carmella laughs]

A: That may or may not be true, I have not cited it since probably an episode of Brainiac.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Los perros es desayuno y cena. The dogs are breakfast and dinner!

C: Very good. Duolingo Owl will not kill you tonight.

A: There’s always tomorrow.

A: We’re gonna have to look it up now aren’t we?

C: This is the whole how an egg is an ounce thing. An egg is two ounces.

A: Come on, tell me about eggs.

C: How many eggs are in 600 grams of rice?

[faint electronic hum]

A: Oh, the crackle.

A: Oh, I’m hungry.

C: So are they!

A: Big Phil heads out west in 18-48, nope in 188- fucken hell. In 1844.

[Laughs]

A: Are you one of those vampires that, argh, what no I’m referencing Alexander Pearce and the vampires of Old Greece.

C: They were the vampires of modern Greece actually.

A: Oh. I wasn’t listening.

C: That’s not the first time I’ve been accused of being a vampire. Leave it at that.

A: We’ll leaving that hanging.

C: Another of their men dies of unspecified causes. Just dies.

A: Something to do.

C: Happens.

A: We can have some tact.

C: Yeah, we’re really tasteful in this podcast actually.

A: Sorry what now?

C: No that wasn’t a pun.

A: What did you just say?

C: No, it wasn’t intentional.

A: Because finally, finally- [dog barks]

C: Come on, we’re on a cliffhanger here!

A: Is it, is it not the case that a certain very [unbearably posh voice] Stanley Johnson is allowed to [posh noises] government – so we can’t really talk.

C: That is true.

A: Was my Tory voice.

C: It was good. It was ver-

A: It made me feel slightly sick.

C: Almost unintelligible, which is correct I think.

A: Yep.

C: Limited instances of cannibal bones.

A: Limited instances of cannibal bones.

C: Yup, that’s sentence.

A: We can edit that into something.

A: That’s a problem for later Alix and Carmella!

C: Yes.

C: Subsisting on human flesh.

A: Human flesh.

C: Human flesh.

A: Human flesh! Not salmon flesh.

C: Flesh of a human.

A: Salmon flesh makes you ill.

[Carmella laughs]

A: True friends… endorse survival cannibalism. I’m just saying.

A: I wish everyone could see that you did the action for mutiny there!

C: Mutiny!

A: A little stab.

[Laughs]

C: I speak with my hands, it doesn’t work very well on an audio medium.

A: Gracias por esc eugh! Gracias por escuchar el este episodio, fucken hell!

A: Like it’s fine at this end and then when we have to edit these it’s going to be hell. Okay.

A:… I mean I can hear that?

C: Yeah, yeah.

A: Universe this is not what I meant when I said we didn’t have enough content for the bloopers.

[Outro Music – Daniel Wackett]

A: Casting Lots Podcast can be found on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr as @CastingLotsPod, and on Facebook as Casting Lots Podcast.

C: If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, don’t forget to subscribe to us on iTunes, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and please rate, review and share to bring more people to the table.

A: Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast, is researched, written and recorded by Alix and Carmella, with post-production and editing also by Carmella and Alix. Art and logo design by Riley – @Tallestfriend on Twitter and Instagram – with audio and music by Daniel Wackett – Daniel Wackett on SoundCloud and @ds_wack on Twitter. Casting Lots is part of the Morbid Audio Podcast Network – search #MorbidAudio on Twitter – and the network’s music is provided by Mikaela Moody – mikaelamoody1 on Bandcamp.

[Morbid Audio Sting – Mikaela Moody]