Joseph: Now in Technicolor – Pt. 1

Bible Stories for Atheists

You’ve seen the musical, now hear the disturbingly disappointing actual story of Joseph and his Technicolor Dream Resume.

In this dramatic re-imagining of Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer, Jacob’s favorite son is the little tattle tale all his brothers love to hate. Remember, kids. Snitches get thrown in a cistern and sold into slavery!

Tired of hearing about Joseph after only one chapter? God thought you would be! So we get a little side story following Joseph’s brother Judah. That scamp gets into all kinds of trouble involving a tryst gone-a-miss with a mysterious prostitute. What do you expect from the father of the man who invented the world’s oldest form of birth control?

Is that story done already? Great! Now let’s never hear about Judah’s personal life again and check back in with Joseph. Unfortunately, he’s been sold into slavery by his own family, and yet his boss gets this notion that God is granting Joseph favor in everything he does. So he puts Joseph in charge of his whole house. Until his boss gets pissed and throws him in prison. Thankfully, the warden see’s this kid, who was sold into slavery by his own family and then thrown into prison, and he thinks, “God is granting Joseph favor in everything he does. Let’s let this inmate run the prison!”

Way to go, Joseph! But, you know what would be really cool? Super powers. Like what if you could hear any dream with specific numbers and obvious imagery, then figure out what they mean? What would you do with that power? Start a Psychic Friends hotline? Ignore it because it’s probably not real? Rule Egypt? Guess which one Joseph does.

Thirteen years a slave, and not a moment of sensible story telling. I just wish boomers treated millennials this well.

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