Gospels Pt. 8 – Jesus Yeast

Bible Stories for Atheists

Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done… awkward. Also, don’t forget, they kept getting talked about even when they were “gone”.

Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 5,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 5,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with.

Apparently Jesus has to run off because he’s afraid people are going to “make him king by force”.

Look! On the sea! It’s a ghost! It’s a plane! No, it’s Jesusman! Jesus freaks the heck outta his disciples by walking on water out to them. In one of the gospels Peter goes out and walks with him. That is, until he hallucinates and starts seeing wind and he starts sinking like a rock upon which Jesus will build his church.

Y’all wanna eat some Jesus flesh? Drink some blood and eat some flesh? We’re not talking about satanic rituals, this is Jesus wanting you to indulge in his body. To be clear, we’re not talking about communion. He’s just straight up telling people to eat his flesh and drink his blood. For his flesh is real food and his blood is real drink. If you eat and drink of Jesus you will live forever. Cultish? Yes. Vampirish? Oh yes.

Was Jesus against washing your hands? Is hand washing the next hill to die on for anti-vaxxers? When people are like, “Hey, why are your disciples not washing their hands before they eat?” Jesus acts like hand washing is just a human rule, not a Jesus rule. Therefore Christians don’t have to eat kosher… apparently.

Jesus breaks into someone house to escape attention but ends up running into a woman of indeterminate origin who has a possessed daughter. He get’s pretty racist comparing her and all non-Jewish people to dogs.

Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 4,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 4,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with. (See, this is what it’s like reading two exact same stories with slightly different details)

Also, we find out Josh a math dyslexic. Just goes to show he really is made in the image of God.

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