"I want to taste their flesh in my mouth!" The final push begins. Years of planning has all come down to this moment. Schemes and interplay have woven a tangled web of inevitability and bloodshed. But do any of these plans belong to our heroes? Probably not. Content warning: Suicidal ideation implied (01:10:00) == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Dro…

"What's a hoofalump?" As our heroes leave behind their forest home, so too do they leave behind the kids of Rally. Which is a good thing, because someone has to keep an eye out on the things that haunt the woods. But will they know what to do when they find actually something out there? Probably not. == CREDITS == Game System: Kids on Bikes by Hunt…

"We had such high hopes for your mother." It's time to storm the palace. But first, a diverting conversation with an elderly woman who's definitely not scary beyond all reason. Surely, Guard and June will survive on their own while Isaac and Safra bust Hank out of prison. Right? Probably not. Content warning: Eugenics (00:54:00-00:55:00) == CREDITS…

"June lives." As our hapless heroes try to plan for their palatial assault, they take a little time to finish all their worldly business. Chocolates. Catharsis. But will Isaac be able to control his own will? Probably not. Content warning: Misophonia (intermittent; 00:32:50-00:39:52) == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Drones" by Sayer Roberts "Stron…

"Safra, I feel like we're gonna lose people." A prison break. A guardian swarm. Questions, blood vines, and violence that all lead back to Griffin and the palace. But will June seize her opportunity to take him out? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Drones" by Sayer Roberts "Stronger Realized" by Sayer Roberts Additional music via Epi…

"I only had time to cut off the one head." June and Safra attempt to case the Imperial prison. A secret operative has solicited a dinner with Isaac to confront him man-to-man at an upscale restaurant in a busy part of town. Guard fights an eyeball. Will any of this tell our heroes - once and for all - who's controlling the blood vines? Probably not…

"It is only because the chaos… broke through, that you live." Martin is back — from Rally, from the dead. But will he finally learn his lesson and help our heroes topple the Empressar? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Drones" by Sayer Roberts "Stronger Realized" by Sayer Roberts "Under Purple Skies" by Alec Slayne, Epidemic Sound "Th…

"Those aren't his hands clapping." The plan: infiltrate the University Library disguised as a famous artist, her retinue, and her art. Find the rebel and the palace architecture plans. Escape unnoticed. Will they be able to execute the plan without resorting to arson? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Drones" by Sayer Roberts "Stronge…

"It's another day on the beat, what can I tell ya?" Our heroes whip through the blood vine portal and find themselves in the eldritch wreck of a museum. Deep in its vaults, they come face to face with a faceless foe. Will they walk away triumphant from this new and strange place? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Drones" by Sayer Robe…

"I always find my happiness in the boughs of a tree." By his will, Isaac has pushed the Reclaimer to rejoin the living. But reincarnation of a god is no easy undertaking. What comes next will require our heroes' most fundamental truths. But will they be enough? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Scepter Drones" by Sayer Roberts "High Scepter" …

"Is that Mr. Spinx? Why does he have cucumbers on his eyes?" Our heroes break free of their tangled minds and recount their bizarre experiences. Oh, and they level up — thrice. Will it be enough to kill the Empressar? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Strong Reclaimed" by Sayer Roberts "Rally at Work" by Sayer Roberts "A True Master" by Yi Na…

"Trying meant something, didn't it?" We all knew how this was going to end. But will their stories live on? Yes. Subject matter: Character death. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Patrick Perini Rossa: Emily Greymoore Basil: Nick Plaisance Kory: Sadie Pasley Mechanics "Last Words Are Never Enough" by Dylan Baird…

"Everything is going to be different now" Pancakes? Stolen. Rossa? Nearly dead. Prophecy? Fulfilled. Will the leaders of the Taniyn be able to save their hallowed grove? Probably not. Subject matter: Endangerment to a pregnancy. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Patrick Perini Rossa: Emily Greymoore Basil: Nick Plaisance Kory: Sadie Pasley…

"When the last feather falls / The sage god shall shatter / The first leaf to burn shall / See the small gods scatter" Half-human, half-lizard, the Taniyn are the protector gods of the Eastern Wealds. But will they be able to safeguard their home from its largest-ever threat? Probably not. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Patrick Perini Rossa: Emily Greymoor…

"I'm afraid all of my anger has flowed away down an icy river." Time grows short. With every passing moment, the infection drives Jonathan deeper into the nether. Vine golems, Taniyn ghosts, and illusions of truth all stand against our heroes, ready to strike them down. Will they all survive? No. Nominate us for CRiT Awards! https://bit.ly/crit2024…

"We are destined to begin again and again." In the middle of the heart of a living mountain god, four idiots have to fight to save the seed of a dead tree god from the veinous tendrils of an eldritch horror. But will Bartleby forget to steal some shit from Reevesy? Probably not. Nominate us for CRiT Awards! https://bit.ly/crit2024 == CREDITS == Sou…

"We are destined to begin again and again." Safra finds the heart. Guard finds Matron. June finds Luna. But will Isaac find the plot? Probably not. Nominate us for CRiT Awards! https://bit.ly/crit2024 == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Strong Reclaimed" by Sayer Roberts "Yesterday's Thoughts" by Heath Cantu, Epidemic Sound "Black Bullet" by Deskant, Epidemi…

"I know this isn't the time or the place, but, could you describe it to me?" A battalion of ghosts, perpetually reliving a moment of their troubled past alongside an acid lake, might not sound hauntingly beautiful. But to Safra, it means the world. Will their stolen moment of appreciation go unnoticed by their assailants? Probably not. Nominate us …

"There is a bell in Jonathan. It must be there for a reason!" A wyvern, a god, a myconid, an entire battalion of undead super soldiers, a mysterious craftwork demon, and a literal second god all want our heroes to promptly fuck off. But will they listen? Probably not. == CREDITS == Sponsored By Rapscallion, by Magpie Games Soundtrack "Strong Reclai…

"Are you gonna eat me?" In the city of Agravar, humans aren't the only folk that are trying to get by. Join Angie the Pigeon, Blueberry the snake, and Shoo the bat as they try to navigate the city's shady underbelly to help a friend in need. But will the capybara leave them alone? Probably not. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Cinderblocksally Angie: Emily G…

"Sometimes we're lucky enough to find people who force us to feel..." It's time for a long rest. Deep inside the Jonathan's shell, our heroes reflect on their journey and their place within it. But will they be able to catch their breath, uninterrupted by dragons? Probably not. Subject matter: Emotional suppression, suicidal ideation, parentificati…

"You step one foot over the threshold and die." Jonathan, the Anchor, has retreated deep into the earth. Guard, the reckless, has done much the same. Will our heroes be reunited in time to stop Jonathan from slipping out of reality? Probably not. == CREDITS == Sponsored By Rapscallion, by Magpie Games Soundtrack "Strong Reclaimed" by Sayer Roberts …

"Forgive me for seeing a man dying of thirst in the desert and offering him water." Harisa is forced to consider which is harder to wrestle: one's past or a gigantic crystal worm. Will our heroes keep their heads as they fly headlong at both? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Strong Rallied" by Sayer Roberts "Whisper of the Wasteland" by Vict…

"You know what you've got? You've got spunk." A new bonus arc, coming to Patreon February 20th. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Cinderblocksally Angie: Emily Greymoore Blueberry: Sam Oliver Shoo: Caustic Phoenix Soundtrack “Bit of Cheek” by Patrick Periniद्वारा Unbalanced Encounters

"I've talked to death. I've looked oblivion in the eye. And if you think you can step up to me, feel free." Our heroes clash with a friendly face in a decidedly unfriendly place. Against the elements, they're forced to ask the big questions: where is Zeesha Alzira? What is aging people to death? And most importantly: will Harisa get laid? Probably …

"That sound you just heard was Sam walking out." At long last our heroes travel to Evening's Dawn, where they hope to find the Agra army and Harisa's mother. But things start bad and get much, much worse. Will they make to Evening's Dawn before the players have a complete mental breakdown? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Strong Rallied" by …

"I cast Turn the Faithless." A bomb has gone off at the gala. Our heroes, newly ascendant to positions on the Agra Council, are the only ones left standing when the dust clears and something looms over the bodies of their friends. Will they be able to save them all? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Strong Rallied" by Sayer Roberts "Aftermath…

Thank you all for making 2023 the best year yet! We love you tremendously, and will we see you back in January? YES! == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Cornerstone" by Leimoti, Epidemic Soundद्वारा Unbalanced Encounters

"Every day, a new story dies. But legends live on at sea..." Three bumbling buccaneers have been entrusted with a simple job: retrieve treasure out from under the chaos of a naval invasion. Surely, everyone will be too preoccupied to interfere. Nevertheless, will our heroes come away with their expected loot? Probably not. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Pa…

"Will you be the foundation of the small seed we've planted?" Nearly two months pass as our heroes are left without clear aim. In that time, they learn of Sisterhood secrets, deific origin myths, and how to ballroom room dance. But will any of those skills help them survive their next great trial? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack "Strong Rall…

"All you ever needed to do was forgive yourself." Join us for a very special episode of Unbalanced Encounters, featuring 5 short stories from Agravar: The Prince and the Painter June and Hank crash a certain secret underground fight club. For Want of a Leaf Isaac and his family celebrate Animarum as best they can. Pain et Chocolat Safra reunites wi…

"Work it girl! Yes, yes! Love it." Our heroes return once again to Agravar. In the wake of an attempted coup, they stock up on knowledge, armor, explosives and — of course — dresses. But will any of this help them in their journeys to come? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Rallied" by Sayer Roberts “Blue Lantern" by Yi Nantiro, Epid…

"Legends live on at sea..." A new pirate bonus arc, coming to Patreon November 7th. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Patrick Perini Hoagie: Cinderblocksally Kind: Craig Pate Marv: Ibraheem Soundtrack “Wine-Drunk Sea” by Patrick Periniद्वारा Unbalanced Encounters

"Can I roll to look for sandal prints?" Porki returns in our third Rallying Interlude. Our heroes double-level up, get their patron-created magic items, and take a much needed beachside break. But will they actually relax? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Rallied" by Sayer Roberts “Moonlight Serenade (60’s Pop Version)” by Martin Ga…

"I might not be the one that destroys you, but you're not walking away from this." A mysterious blood warden has crashed the Cleanser's intervention. He has a mysterious hold on Guard and mastery over blood vines. Will our heroes learn anything about him at all? Even his name? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Remembered" by Sayer Ro…

"There are so many beautiful things. And you need to remember." The Cleanser is upon our heroes, gnashing sapphire teeth and writhing blood-red pustules. Will they be able to calm him and remain in one piece? No. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Remembered" by Sayer Roberts “Hidden" by Farrell Wooten, Epidemic Sound “Barren" by Martin Klem, Epide…

"What makes you think you deserve a second chance?" Long ago, before geckos climbed trees, the cycle of life and death suddenly stopped. Put off by this development, a wayward cleric, a frustrated psychopomp, and a blind bard seek the origins of death and to begin the cycle of reincarnation. But in the end will they finally be able to die? Probably…

"What do you need from me right now?" June has finally be reunited with her long-lost mother. But will their reunion be a joyous one? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “The River Told Me Lies" by Daniel Gunnarsson, Epidemic Sound “Enough by Now" by Headlund, Epidemic Sound “Drops of Golden Sun" by Yi Nantiro, Epidemic Sound “Interpale" by Luce…

"What the fuck, mama?" Wardens pursue our heroes as their memories, one by one, dissolve into sand. Will Guard's plan to chug a vial of sap and astral project to the Empressar get them any closer to their goals? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Remembered” by Sayer Roberts “Evil Intentions” by Experia, Epidemic Sound “High Scepter” …

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the DARK ABYSS" A flash of blue light and red vine. A death. An escape. The ringing of a bell. And... Oz? Will our heroes be able to melt into the crowds at the Dark Abyss and slip out unscathed? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Remembered” by Sayer Roberts “Diamonds in the Sky” by Yi Nantiro, Epide…

"What makes you think you deserve a second chance?" A new folktale bonus arc, coming to Patreon August 15th. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Patrick Perini The Shepherd: Sayer Roberts The Phantom: Emily Greymoore The Song: Hunter W. Thompson Soundtrack “Endless Beginnings” by Patrick Periniद्वारा Unbalanced Encounters

"Who are the bad guys here?" A war. A conspiracy of assassins. A missing mother. An elder god bent on cleansing the earth. Rosemary. How are they all connected? June and Harisa think they might be able to find the answer deep in the governor's archives. Guard and Isaac think they can find it at the bottom of a well. Will either pair be right? Proba…

In the heart of Altair, the capital city of Ostilla, something strange is stirring. The Old Altair Museum of Antiquities is having a grand opening as it transforms into the Imperial Heritage Museum! The who's-who of the city will all be there. This will be a glorious day for the empire. Or... maybe it'll turn into a heist featuring some unexpected …

"Mole people!" Our heroes, having made it through the gauntlet of war, the desert, and Isaac's family FINALLY make it to this gods-damned meeting. But will they learn how to defeat assassins, the Cleanser, and the Empressar all in an hour and a half? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Remembered” by Sayer Roberts "Left to Guess" by Le…

"Not me. I love my fuckin' dad." Harisa's parents drove her from home at a young age. June's father is dead and her mother has been missing for years. Guard only recently learned about mothers. And Isaac? Isaac's family is great. Supportive, kind, and surprisingly intellectual — but can they help keep Isaac out of trouble? Probably not. == CREDITS …

"You're that stranger what come in with the Isaac Axedrummers, ain't ya?" Locked into mortal combat with an unknown company of assassins, our heroes struggle to find their own footing while the town around them burns. Will they be able to save themselves, the whole village, and at least one assassin for "questioning"? Probably not. == CREDITS == So…

"Oh what unspeakable wonders await you!" A new eldritch horror bonus arc, coming to Patreon June 20th. == CREDITS == Cast GM: Cinderblocksally Perrin McArthur: Emily Greymoore Dwight Hearttaker: Craig Pate Phlanagin Harlock: T. W. Clawson Soundtrack “A Stolen Scepter” by Patrick Periniद्वारा Unbalanced Encounters

"No, it's not right. This isn't how it happened. That's not right." Isaac Axedrummer, in puppet form, is being paraded through the streets of a small town. It seems that every year, this little community relives the fateful day when Isaac killed the Lord Governor Agra. But can our heroes be sure that the villagers aren't marching him to a funeral p…

"I am very intentionally trying to remove one of her arms." June interrogates her newfound half-brother. Isaac has a heart-to-heart with Scrumpy. Guard begins his career in torture. Harisa kills again. But will any of these endeavors help our heroes arrive in Agravar in one piece? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Rallied” by Sayer R…

"Hello! Did you miss me?" Reunited with her father after 20 years, Safra Harisa is finally getting to learn a little bit about her heritage and how she might reclaim her bond to Mr. Spinx. But will this ancient Taniyn ritual go off without a hitch? Probably not. == CREDITS == Soundtrack “Stronger Rallied” by Sayer Roberts "Desert Dream" by Taomito,…